stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
