Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
