My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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