Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
