Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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