Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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