Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
