You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i love accidental penises.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
