his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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