I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
