there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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