i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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