I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
