Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
