It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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