So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
