Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
