i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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