Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
