How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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