im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
