Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
