That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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