Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The best revenge is premature balding
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
