Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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