he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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