Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
