My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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