Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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