If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just high enough for therapy.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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