Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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