walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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