every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
