everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
