grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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