I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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