Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
