Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
