if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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