Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
