Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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