The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
