so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize