My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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