This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
