she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
