I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize