I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
