booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
