I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I wear drunk well.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
