I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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