I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
