Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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