My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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