I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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