I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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