I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
