I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We need a shit load of segways right now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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