i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
