Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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