I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
