Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
